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As some of you will know, I recently had my DNA tested.

Well, I got my results back, and I had a Jessica Alba moment. I’m officially whiter than Larry David.

I am laughing all the way back to northern and southern Europe. My DNA tested French, Italian, Serbian, English and Portuguese. No traces of Oceania at all! My ancestral homeland: Europe.

I’m whiter than the milkman.

All jokes aside, the results are absurd. There was no trace at all of my Samoan father’s bloodline.

And in case you’re wondering. Yes, my dad’s really my dad. I know because I have his not-so-straight teeth, as my mum assured me when I asked her what of Dad I’d inherited, if not his ancestral homeland.

She was the first person I told my results to. Her eyes bulged, and then she roared with laughter. Her first words were: “Your dad is definitely your dad.” And then she continued laughing.

Dad was the most confused of all. He was hoping my test was going to give him his DNA Detectives moment, like David Fane, the Samoan actor. Instead, he just asked: “How?” All this giving him more fuel to convince Mum he needs his own DNA test.

I can’t help but feel ripped off. The results seem to confirm what we know of my mother’s bloodline, but how is it possible to not find a single trace of my father’s ancestry?

My DNA results are in. I’m whiter than the milkman. | E-Tangata - A Māori and Pasifika Sunday magazine

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