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And, badda-bing-badda-boom...

An effective, step-by-step way to sabotage a relationship that you don't think is going anywhere:



  1. Get really frustrated one night or morning. It helps if you get yourself trapped in traffic for three hours, or arrange to get caught in an electrical storm. Many possibilities will present themselves.

  2. Place yourself in an environment where you are constantly being reminded that there are people out there having alot more fun with the "relationship"-thing than you.

  3. Make sure that you are constantly being hit on by members of the opposite sex. Extra points if said persons have chosen to rub-up against you on more than one occasion. Double extra points if that includes both sexes.

  4. If necessary, brace yourself with a tiny nip of courage. Skip this step if you are naturally bereft of good sense.

  5. Prepare a letter to the object of your affection, and pose the following challenge:


    • "Oi then; 'want to pop into a dark alley and make-out like crazed weasels?"



If your relationship is sufficiently weak, this should invariably send-it screaming to the bottom of the Atlantic in a corona of hellfire and pitch-thick smoke. Worst case scenario, they say yes, and you've commit youself to standing in the refuse behind the local "Burger King" and performing some half-hearted 'snogging. This can be avoided, if required, by coming up with a last minute case of "the gout", or "the clap". If necessary, contract the appropriate diseases.


Note: This is not a healthy way to go about these things, but face it -- if you had all of your ducks in one row, you probably wouldn't have stuck around for so long, would 'yea?


Share your favoured saboteur methodologies through the comments section...





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( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
tashamonster
Dec. 5th, 2005 06:08 am (UTC)
man, I can't wait to see what Marc's going to write here.
marcnicholas
Dec. 6th, 2005 09:02 pm (UTC)
What? I'm innocent.

Innocent!

No, okay. That's a lie.

I'm a liar.

This is what I do. It never fails.

Honestly, you want to repel a girl, this is gold.

Say there's a girl you're sort of seeing, but she's become too clingy. You want her to go away, but you don't want to tell her to go away. What to do?

Cling to her. If she calls you every day, call her twice a day. If she hangs out with you too often, never leave her alone. Glue yourself to her hip. Follow her everywhere, like her retarded siamese brother.

Agree with everything she says.
Fawn over her.
Write her love poetry. Every day.
Buy her flowers. Lots and lots of flowers.

Basically, if you want to destroy a relationship, try to hard to please.

Never fails ;)
marcnicholas
Dec. 6th, 2005 09:42 pm (UTC)
Other ways of screwing shit up...
Being dishonest or timid about your intentions. Telling them you want to fuck via email is a really bad idea.

Unless:

1. You've already fucked them.
2. They've made it obvious that they are open to the idea of fucking you.
3. Your email is congruent with your real life behavior.

You have to read their behavior. With Marie, I knew she was interested in me. I regularly sent her emails that were full of sexual innuendo. I was pretty blatant about my intentions.

Oh, which brings me to how I sabotaged my last "relationship" : if a married woman is into you, screw her before she goes back to her husband. And if you don't and she does go back to him, don't bitch at her about it. Dude.

"you're spending all your time with your husband! What about me. Meeeeeeee."

I rock. My self sabotage is so much naughtier than yours ;)
ccord
Dec. 6th, 2005 09:56 pm (UTC)
Ah, the "Arms Race" strategy - an old hold-over from the bygone days of Cold War realpolitik. It can no longer be said that we learned nothing from nuclear stockpiling. :)
marcnicholas
Dec. 6th, 2005 11:33 pm (UTC)
it works ;)

Colin, I'm not the type of person who can give advice on building a quality relationship. I'm terrible at the "relationship" thing.

I'm a bad person. I like proving that "unavailable" women are more available than they claim. Vows of fidelity are open challenges.

"Fidelity eh? We'll see about that!"

And I'll be damned, but I've yet to come across a single conventional relationship that wasn't built on lies.

My world view is toxic. Honesty usually is ^_^

A lil honesty from the toxic sludge man: You and A.M weren't in a relationship. No big deal.

Now we'll make you a ladies man. Oh yeah. Me to. Time I turn back to the darkside.

Walked a way two years ago from the dark side, but fuck it. If I'm going to keep on chasing after married women, I might as well get good at it.
ccord
Dec. 7th, 2005 03:42 am (UTC)
Heh, well, don't get me wrong, I'm not broken-up in any particular way - just a little conscience-ridden for being a little more acerbic than was strictly necessary. It's funny, but people really can take "crazed weasels" references the wrong way... :-P
marcnicholas
Dec. 8th, 2005 12:04 am (UTC)
Marc Andre and I have decided that you're not allowed to have a girlfriend
until you've completed the Mystery Method Challenge ;)
ccord
Dec. 8th, 2005 01:32 am (UTC)
That sounds like it may involve wearing a blindfold and drinking mystery fluids. Given the context, I feel less than voluntary in this experience. O_o
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

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